Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
