Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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