he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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