just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
