Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
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230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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