You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize