You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
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My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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