Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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