Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
