Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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