Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
