I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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