spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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