I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
