I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
