fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
