Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
