theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
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I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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