so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
