I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
it's like iHOP with fire
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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