Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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