i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I wish you could order shots online.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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