Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
