Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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