I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
