thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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