Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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