census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
