She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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