did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
