hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
