How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
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Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize