He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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