i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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