im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
