well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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