Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
