She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How naked do you want me to be?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
