U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
