Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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