Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
