i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
