She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
