To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
not ubering you a puppy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize