I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
