I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
