For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
