Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
