my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
