i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
