What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
