dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Found your dick twin last night
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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