who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
