My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
