Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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