He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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