I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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